Stand Up
by xosaraa
Summary: Olivia has some long term health problems to battle. E/O...eventually.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note **: Oh my, I'm sorry you guys! I've left everyone hanging for so long now! Yes, I did delete my stories. But for all those who were fans? Don't worry, I'm going to repost them eventually, and they will be better than ever.

This one kind of reminds me of "Under The Weather" but I can assure, its different. Stick with me guys, I think its gonna be a fun ride.

**Disclaimer**: Maybe one day.

*

Olivia Benson's Apartment

5:30pm

Olivia just sat there, broken and hurting on her lumpy, uncomfortable couch. Yeah, that would be great for the back pain later on. She wanted to call Elliot but what would he care? He had made it damn clear that their friendship was a little rocky at the moment. He could barely look her in the eyes anymore. Maybe she would call Josh. She'd been seeing him for a few weeks already. He was nice, and sweet, and gentle. Unlike most others in her past. He was smart, a doctor even, he would be the right man to call and talk to about this. But, all she wanted was her best friend.

She picked up her bottle of vodka and unscrewed the cap. She was never really one for drinking, but she thought the news she received today called for it. A quote she had once heard kept replaying in her head.

"The meek get a bad bruise, go to the doctor. The stubborn get a fatal disease, and figure they can sleep it away."

Ah yes. Leave it to Olivia to think that everything was alright. It was totally common to get worn out doing a load of laundry, right? Wrong. She knew that deep down something was wrong. She'd lost some weight, would wake up in the middle of the night with cramps that hurt like nothing she'd ever experience.

Olivia kept replaying over and over in her mind what she had heard at the doctor's office two days ago. Two days ago, it was supposed to just be a check up. Walk in, get the okay. Walk back out and resume your life. That's what happened if you were lucky…and Olivia, well she was never one of the lucky ones. She was almost sure that if you were to take a dictionary and look up the word "Unfortunate" it would say the life of Olivia Benson.

_She sat and waited patiently, just as she was told. She wasn't one who liked to make a scene, even if she did despise this place. Hospitals, there for healing. Hell, Olivia hated them. All they did was show a place of pain. _

_People come in all bruised and damaged, explaining to doctors how they "fell" down the stairs today. And what did doctors do? They looked the other way, no one wants to help and intervene with a messed up young female. _

_That's exactly what had happened two months ago when she claimed she spilt boiling kitchen water on herself. How does anybody do that? Couldn't anyone see that it wasn't an accident. But no, doctors patch you up, and send you on your merry way. _

"_Olivia Benson," Olivia stood up and walked towards the nurse that called her name, "they're ready for you, room seven." Olivia walked down and sat in the room. And waited for the doctor._

_The doctor did the routine check up shit. Checking the knees for reflexes, hold your arms straight out, touch your toes…two year old stuff. It wasn't until the doctor pressed on her stomach that she realized she had a real problem. _

"_Ahh," Olivia panted out in between breaths of pain._

"_That hurt you?" The doctor asked. Olivia shot her an evil look, "Well, it shouldn't have." The doctor pressed down once again and pain explode across her features. The doctor shot a worried glance and left the room._

_Five minutes, and seven deep breaths to relive pain later, the door opened. "We're going to just run a few tests, don't worry about it, its just routine." Olivia scoffed at that. Routine? Her stomach just felt that it was about to explode._

_Blood was drawn, urine sample was collected, and Olivia had to go through the sheer embarrassment of being on display for doctors who poked at her for two hours. _

Olivia got the phone call today, at work of course. The one place where there was no privacy and no where to have a mental break down. Her cell phone rang, and it turned out to be the doctor. She'd need to come in two days from now, that was the soonest they could fit her in. Olivia felt that she was about to loose it, she had told Fin to cover for her the rest of the day and hightailed it out of there.

Two days ago Olivia's s seemed so little… get up, go to work, come home. It was normal, simple…secure. Olivia laughed as she thought about ways she could loose her life on the job. Shot, stabbed, mutilated? They all seemed real to her then, but now she only thought of the one way she was going to die.

Pancreatic cancer.

The word that would haunt her until the day it would claim her. Why does she care though, its not as if she had anyone there to miss her. A lone tear escaped and Olivia finally put the vodka bottle down and attempted to get some rest.

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**AU2: **Alright, I am aware of the length of the chapter. What can I say, it sucks ass. But this was just kind of the filler chapter. Nothing happened, it was just explaining and setting up for what will happen. I promise guys, its going to get better. Stick with it.

Reviews?

*Next chapter - WAY LONGER. SWEAR. & some angst.

Yanoo, cause that's the fun stuff. **Right Mackenzie?**


	2. Chapter 2

"Olivia, you look like shit." Olivia glanced up from her desk to see Fin standing over her.

"Well, good morning to you too dear." She bit sarcastically, not looking up. She hadn't slept well these past few nights, and it was definitely showing now. She had bags under her eyes, and her once tan complexion…gone. Her eyes didn't shine so bright either.

"Any one know where your partners at?" Munch asked as he walked through the bullpen. Olivia simply just shook her head. Elliot and her weren't on very good speaking terms anymore. Not that he ever bothered to explain why he was upset with her…

"Olivia," Cragen's voice boomed, "rape and murder down by Grand Central. Your partners meeting you there." Olivia stood up and silently walked out, leaving a couple of her coworkers in confusion.

***

"Rough night?" Elliot asked when he spotted his partner. Contrary to belief, Elliot cared a lot about her. More than he showed, but hey, how would you tell your best friend of ten years your madly in love with her. So what does he do, he avoids it. That's his way of coping. He ignores problems, where as Olivia just likes to run away. What a pair they'd make.

"Rough life," Olivia mumbled quietly. Three months ago Elliot would have made a concerned comment about what she had just said, but now he just sort of laughed and shook his head in agreement. They walked silently down to where the crime scene was. Melinda already getting prepared to bag and transport the body to morgue.

"Cause of death?" Elliot asked, "Looks like asphyxiation. Not sure, I'll know more with the autopsy." Melinda went on, "Raped, but no semen. Fluids present though that might give us something."

Melinda opened her mouth to give more of an impute when she noticed pain etched into Olivia's features. She hesitated but regained her composure and started talking, "Looks like strangulation, that's my bet. Victim has ligature marks around the neck."

"I.D?" Olivia spoke, almost quietly.

"Not yet, they're working on it. Looks like Jane Doe had one helluva night." And with that Melinda walked away. Elliot turned and started to head back to the car when he noticed Olivia walking slowly behind him. He turned, "You planning on getting back to the house sometime today?" He said it meaning to be funny, but got no response. That's when he noticed she looked a little off. Just because they were fighting didn't mean he didn't know his partner.

"You okay there Liv?"

"Yeah, just..uh, yanoo. My time of the month," She hesitated, "Cramps." She said sheepishly, she knew he wouldn't press her with that.

***

Elliot looked up at his partner who was sitting at her desk. He should be helping her try to identify the victim, but he was to caught up in Olivia. She sat there combing through missing persons files while rubbing the back of her neck. A look of pain on her face. Elliot noticed that she rarely smiled these days. He silently pulled out a bottle of Asprin that he kept in his desk and slid it across to her. She looked up and gave him a thankful smile and popped three pills.

Olivia knew that this stupid disease was supposed to cause some pain, but holy shit. How much can a person take. She had stomach pain at the scene today, and now it felt as though someone was stabbing her in the back. She was thankful that Elliot had noticed and given her some medicine. She'd been out of Advil for a while, but knew Elliot had a bottle of Asprin somewhere.

Elliot kept examining her, only flipping pages occasionally to make himself look busy. He noticed she'd look a little on the skinny side. Her once delicate curves he'd admired, fading. He took a plunge.

"Hey Olivia, its almost noon. How about we go get something to eat?"

Olivia looked up, and it pained Elliot to see that she shocked and surprised by the offer. Thankfully though, she nodded and stood up. They walked across the street to their normal diner, where over the years so much had been shared.

***

"So, how have you been lately? Seems like we don't get to talk much out of work anymore." She said not really expecting him to talk to her like everything was okay again.

"Good, everythings good." Lies, he didn't know why he couldn't tell her the truth. God knows he wants to. "How about you, anything new?"

"Nope, nothing really. Haven't had a lot of free time lately." She spoke.

Their meals arrived and not much else was said, a little small talk here and there. They may have not been on the best terms with each other, but when they were together the silence never made them feel awkward. It was almost welcomed most of the time. It saved them from having to say anything meaningful, or important. They were just getting up to leave, when Olivia suddenly felt sick to her stomach.

_Shit. Shit. Shit. _She thought, she wasn't ready to tell him, if she was even going to tell him she was sick. She figured maybe she could just deal with it and move on. But it was already beginning to affect her working, so she knew she couldn't lie about it. "I'll be right back" And she set off to the bathroom.

Once inside, she threw herself in a stall and her lunch made came right back up. By the time she was finished being sick she was tired, exhausted actually, and was pretty sure she was a little bit sweaty. She cleaned herself up the best she could and walked out.

Elliot was getting anxious, Olivia went in there almost seven minutes ago. He knew girls took longer, but really? What did she do fall in? She reappeared, but didn't look right. She looked off color and she was walking sort of slow.

"Hey, you don't look so hot. In fact you haven't looked good at all today. Why dontcha head home and I'll cover for you." He said it as a statement, and that pissed her off. She could decide whether or not she wanted to go home. She wasn't going to sit there and let him make choices for her.

_Why am I fighting this? He's trying to help, hell…it's the first nice thing he's done in months. _

But fighting symbolized normalcy, and that's what she wanted. So she began, "I'm fine, I've been fine all day. Since when do you decide whether or not I feel alright. Last time I checked we weren't even talking to one another, so I don't think you have the right to tell me anything." She said in a low tone, careful not to distract other people in the diner.

"Hey, whoa. Relax Olivia. I was just trying to help. You didn't need to go all bipolar on me" He turned and started to walk back to the prescient, leaving Olivia standing there, moody and in pain. She knew he wanted to say something back, she could feel the rage radiating off of him. But he knew this wasn't the place. She regretted being bitchy with him, knowing that later she would never hear the end of it.

_Stupid Olivia, stupid. You have enough to deal with, now this. Good job lady, lets go pick around picking fights before you go home to your empty apartment and dry heave once again. _

*

Authors Note- Okay, I double posted, hopefully this will encourage some reviews. I had a lot of people put me on alert, and favorite lists, but only two reviews. Hah, I feel loved you guys! I know ya'll can do better! **REVIEW.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors Note- **sorry for the lack of update, a lots going on. Thanks for all the reviews last chapter. Enjoy.

* * *

Olivia finally arrived home after a long day. After her little fight with Elliot things were tense for the rest of the day. She felt bad for being so mean to him, he didn't do anything to deserve how she snapped at him. She wished everything could just be normal, like the first few years of their partnership. Things back then were fun, and simple. With the job being so dark it was nice to have that one person to just goof off with.

Olivia walked into the kitchen to grab a drink. That seemed to be the "thing" to do these days. Wash away all your problems with a little alcohol. She walked pass her answering machine and saw that the light was lit up. As she pressed play she thought,

_Thats odd, no one calls me. You have to know people in order for people to call..._

"Hello Miss Benson. This is Doctor Bridge and I'm calling personally to let you know that I know a specialist here in town and I would really like you to go see her. Her name is Dr. Melissa Worth and shes here in Manhattan. I'll leave you with the number, and Olivia...don't wait to make an appointment."

There was almost a caring tone to the doctors voice and Olivia felt a surge of warmth run through her, she really wasn't used to people caring about her. Olivia had never really cared about being alone until now. Her job was always the most important part of her life, and now looking back she wished she'd would have played the social card a bit more.

She thought about Elliot, and immediately felt sadness wash over her. Things were so tense...she thought back to the why. The day everything had changed was the day Elliot had told her that Kathy was pregnant again he would be moving back home. In that instant everything had changed, the closeness they had developed with one another over his separation was gone. After that they had pretty much stopped talking. There was nothing to say, everything that was important was left unsaid, as always.

Olivia showered and laid down in bed, thoughts of calling the specialist running through her mind, she decided that she'd call. She would just do it some other time. Seeing a specialist made the situation to real.

* * *

Elliot had gotten to work early today, things at home were not running to smoothly and he was there as a little as possible. As soon as Elliot walked through the doors Don had called him into his office.

"Whats up Cap?"

"Have you noticed your partner lately?" Don asked. Truth be told he was worried about her, for her. She didn't look so good, and he had to wonder if the job was doing that to her.

"Yea, I see her everyday...what do you mean?" Elliot asked, confusion written on his face. He wasn't really following, he and Olivia hadn't been talking much.

"Well, she looks a bit run down. Shes lost a couple pounds, and you can see that she isn't sleeping real well. And thinking of it now. She's not in right now. And its almost seven thirty, she is normally always the first one here." Cragen finished.

"Yeah, your right. I don't know Sir, she hasn't told me anything. I've noticed though, I think if it were something big she'd let us know. I mean we all go through those phases where we just can't stand the job." Elliot said, but he couldn't have been more wrong.

"Okay, well...keep an eye on her for me please, see if you can get her to talk to you." Cragen wasn't very aware of their situation.

Olivia finally walked around eight. No one really said anything. She walked to her desk and took her place. Months ago Elliot would have questioned her for arriving later than normal, but now she just assumed he didn't care.

"Hey, where were you this morning?" Elliot asked and set a cup of tea in front of her, he had noticed that she was drinking that more and more often.

"I just overslept I guess. Sorry." She lied, really she was at home, sick. This sickness was killing her, she needed to get in touch with that specialist.

"Don't worry about it. Glad to know you actually sleep." He said, she gave him a little smile.

That shocked her, since when did he care what she did or didn't do. He certainly hadn't shown much interest in her well being lately. She wanted to tell him the truth so bad, that she was in need of help, and she didn't want to, and shouldn't have to go through this alone. But, she thought otherwise. She never needed anyone, why start now?

The day went on slow. No new cases were brought in, and for that Olivia was thankful. She just didn't have the energy today. The doctor had told her that the illness would affect her job, and that she'd probably have to take some time off. She figured she might as well go and talk to Don and get it over with. Olivia was nervous, Don was like the dad she never had but always wanted. She knew he was always looking over her. She got up and ignored Elliot's looks and walked to the door, rapped on it softly, and walked in.

"Olivia. You need something?" He asked.

"Yeah, can we talk Cap'n?"

"Sure, have a seat." Don was nervous as well. Olivia didn't like to have serious talks...with anyone, "Something the matter, Liv?"

"Well, uh..." She hesitated, she really didn't want to do this. "Something has come up and it's going to affect the job. I've been tired lately, and sick a lot..so I went to see a doctor, and it seems I've come back with some bad news."

Don was floored, never in a million years could he have imagined that something was wrong with her health, "What is it?" He spit out after a few moments, and he was afraid to hear the answer.

"I have cancer, uh...and its pretty advanced. And so I'm going to need some time off, and you might want to have someone as back up, ya know, just in case things don't end to well." She said detached, she didn't want to think of the end coming upon her. She looked up to meet Don's eyes, and was surprised to see the clouds that covered them.

"Liv," he said as he stood up and walked towards her, "you know that I think of you like a daughter, and this hurts me very much, but I'll be here for you. Whatever you need, I'd like to help out...if you want it." He finished, and he pulled her into a fatherly embrace.

And for the first time since this has started Olivia allowed herself to break. Don could feel her tears through his shirt, and it broke his heart. Olivia was so close to him in ways even he didn't understand. He would do anything to protect her. Olivia composed herself quickly, and pulled back.

"Thanks Cap'n."

"Liv, you _can_ call me Don." He said trying to lighten up the mood, before he had to ask, "So, you can have all the time you need, you have more than enough. And I'll send out a medical release so you can still receive your pay weekly." Olivia nodded and gave a brief smile.

"Liv, do any of the guys know?" He had to ask, apparently her partner did not know what was happening with her. She shook her head indicating a no. "Liv you need to tell them."

"I know, and I will...but I just need some time before I tell everyone, I have to work out what I'm going to do. So Don, could we keep this our little secret for now?"

"You have my word, but you need to tell them soon, they would all want to help you out. And you know you need to Elliot, he is going to want to know why you asked for time." Don said.

"I know, think ya could just say I'm taking some personal leave? And then I can tell them maybe when my treatment goes a little farther." She asked.

Don's mind was racing, what type of cancer was plauging one of his star detectives and how serious was it? What were the chances, treatment options, how long would she be out? He wondered all, but felt that it wasn't his place to ask. So he just obliged to her question.

"Okay, well since we've got nothing really going on, do you mind if I leave?" She asked, looking down. She was crushed about having this talk, she didn't really want to leave work. Don nodded and said,

"Yeah, don't be a stranger though okay. Come around. And I'll make sure to drop by when I can, and Liv...don't hesitate to call me when you need something okay?"

And with that Olivia walked out Donald Cragen's office for possibly the last time.

* * *

Don walked out into the squad room, and all men looked up. "Where did Liv go to? She didn't say." Fin asked.

"I have some news," Cragen spoke slowly, "Olivia has taken some time off. So with that said you guys will be working with each other until we can get another body to fill Olivia's spot."

He turned to walk away, wanting to say as little as possible. But Elliot didn't let that happen.

"Cap, what the heck? Why did she just up and leave?" He questioned and Don could see hurt in his features. Elliot thought she was leaving him again. Don hurt for him, but kept Olivia's priorities over his.

"Elliot, thats Olivia's business, and not my place to say."

"Your kidding me right, come on. What did she say. I need to go talk to her. Please Sir." He begged, and Don couldn't help but nod.

Elliot raced out of the squad room, not knowing that what he would find at Olivia's would tear his world apart.

* * *

**AN2: **Alright guys, I got a lot of people who put this on alert and on favorites. But not so many reviews. So I don't know if that means people don't like it...  
so we're going to have a little ultimatum. Review or this story is done? Okay? Because I don't want to keep going with no one reading. I just want to know if people like it.

So do I keep going, or end it? Thanks guys!

**Review Guys :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN- **Wow, you guys are amazing! I got so many reviews. Last time I checked I had 20 for just that last chapter. So I decided to update, once again.  
**Let me tell you guys a bit about this chapter **there isn't a lot of talking, its mainly their thoughts. But there is a part two, which will be all talking :) I can assure you.  
I really hope you guys like this, enjoy.

* * *

Elliot rushed out of the squad room. What the hell was going on with Olivia? Wouldn't he be the first one to know if something bad was up? The more he thought about it the more he realized, he probably wouldn't be the first to no. How far as he pushed her away this time? Why would she feel like she could come to him. He had been nothing but a jerk to her the past few months. He was out of line with her in so many aspects of their partnership...of their friendship. Maybe thats what happened. Maybe she finally realized that she couldn't continue being around him so she took some time off.

He didn't know what to think. Olivia never took a day off work, even after being injured. She was always forced, never had she volunteered. He spent the car drive to her apartment beating himself up for not being there for her. He felt as though he couldn't breath, it hurt him that much that she felt she couldn't come to him with his problems.

He got to the building and let himself in the front doors with his key that she had given him. He took the stairs up to her apartment door two at time. He was a bit over anxious, he couldn't deny it. He really just needed to see her, make sure her mental health were okay. He knocked on the door. No answer, he pounded louder...still no answer. He was getting worried, what if she ran from him again.

Then it hit him, it was just like him to be thinking of himself. Here was his best friend and the woman he loved obviously in distress, and he was thinking of himself. How she was running away from _him. _How she was hurting _him._ What a cold hearted bastard _he_ was. What about her? She needed someone to talk to, she goes home alone every night. And all _he_ does is wallow in his own self-pity. Well, _he _was making a vow to her that, that wouldn't happen again.

He stood there knocking for about two more minutes, calling her name, ringing her phone to see if she would pick up inside. He got nothing. He was getting a bit worried, so he used his key to enter the apartment. He walked inside a cautiously called her name, "Liv?"

No answer, his palms were starting to sweat and his mind was swirling.

"Livia? You here?"

He walked through the rooms of her small apartment, she was no where. And it didn't look like she had been here. He laughed silently to himself, what a loser. She apparently wasn't even home yet. He had worked himself up for nothing, but could you blame the guy. He was worried sick. Especially because he had no clue what was going on with her. He tried to call her cellphone again, no luck. Maybe she was avoiding people. Didn't want to be messed with?

The phone rang in her kitchen and it startled him, he didn't know anyone who would really call Olivia, mainly on her house phone. Most called her cell phone number, because thats what she always gave out to people. He figured he should leave seeing as she wasn't here. He was walking toward the front door when he heard the answering machine kick on. He knew he shouldn't listen, but maybe it would tell him why his partner was acting so distant, and strange.

"Hello Olivia, this is Doctor Worth's office. We are calling to confirm your appointment with Doctor Worth tomorrow at eleven. We are going to be giving you your tests, and we will sit down and plan out treatment options. If you have schedule conflicts please call and let us know. Thank you."

The voice on the machine ended. Elliot felt the life almost drain from his body. A doctors office. Tests. Treatment plans?

_Oh. Dear. God._

* * *

Olivia had always loved the outdoors. Ever since she was little, she spent a lot of time outside, she never wanted to be in with her mom, so she grew accustomed with it. The park was her favorite. The sounds of people in every direction, she didn't feel so alone. So whenever a problem hit she always liked to just walk around Central Park, to clear her mind, but not so alone. Olivia walked around Central Park just thinking. Thinking of time, thinking of life...thinking of Elliot.

How was she going to tell him that she sick? Maybe she shouldn't. She knew he would care, but she doubted he would do anything to show concern. Maybe she should just move away for awhile, claim a vacation to people who asked, and secretly try to beat this thing. But she was terrified, she didn't want to do this alone. She didn't want to do this period. She would never admit it to anyone, but being alone hurt her soul in so many ways she couldn't even describe. Everyday, she woke and lived for nothing.. Hell, even her own mother didn't care about her, that has to say something.

She thought back to Elliot, she knew he would care for her. No matter how bad things got between them, she understood him, and he understood her. No questions asked. But she couldn't just walk up to him and say, 'Hey El, guess what? I have a chance of dying soon!'. No that certainly wouldn't go over well, for either of them. She did need to tell him though, she was driving herself insane with thinking about it and not letting anything out.

Her thoughts carried her so far aways that she didn't even realize she was standing in front of her apartment. She took the elevator up, and couldn't wait to get inside. Walking around all that time made her exhausted. She put her key into the lock and opened the door. She walked around to the living room and almost screamed when she saw a person sitting on her couch. She then realized it was Elliot. He was just sitting there, didn't even turn around to look at her.

"El?" Her voice was loud against the silence, she walked around to face him. "Elliot, what the hell are you doing here?"

Elliot looked up slowly and met her eyes, his filled with tears, hers showing fear. He just looked at her for a moment, not speaking, not blinking, just looking.

He opened his mouth and whispered quietly, his words laced with pain, confusion, fear, and love "Liv, your sick?"

And after trying so hard to be mad at him, trying so hard to be strong...she felt herself about to let him in, she felt herself about to break.

* * *

**AN2-** See, not a lot of dialouge, but come on. You gotta get into their heads sometime. So next chapter will be the big confession. And a brand new twist, that I can assure you guys  
you never would have guessed. Ever. Okay, so review. Please, please...it helps so much.

**REVIEW. Just like last time guys ;)**


	5. Chapter 5

**AN-** Wow, thanks so much you guys for all the wonderful reviews. Check the bottom when you are done for a brief note :)

* * *

"El..." Olivia drifted off, she had no clue what to say. Wasn't this supposed to go down the way she wanted? She wasn't ready for this.

"Olivia, please. Tell me the truth. 'Cause to be honest I'm going insane thinking up all these different things...Liv, please tell me that I'm assuming wrong." Elliot whispered out around the lump forming in his throat.

Olivia felt herself breaking each second that ticked by. She didn't know when she began to cry, but she felt Elliot softly wiping her tears away. "El, I...there's no easy way to say this, but I'm sick."

Elliot felt his breathing hitch, his hands start to shake. He had hoped that what he heard was something completely different. That he was hearing wrong. But he had his proof. The strongest woman knelt in front of him with tears streaming down her face. He wasn't thinking of anything but love as he pulled Olivia into his arms. He rubbed her back soothingly and whispered words of comfort, that he knew really didn't help much anyway. Elliot felt his own tears dripping down his face and landing on her shoulder.

Olivia was sitting in Elliot's lap, finally allowing herself comfort. She'd been trying to work this out all by herself, and after just wanting someone to care she was finally getting it. Or she had been...because just as quickly Elliot offered comfort, he took it away. Elliot moved Olivia over and stood up. A mixture of rage and pain on his face.

"How could you not tell me! You've known about this for how long? You knew long enough to have time to call a specialist! And you didn't even let me know." Elliot bellowed pacing the floor of her living room.

Olivia was enraged at his sudden outburst. _How dare he, _she thought! He certainly had no right to come in her own house, without her permission, and yell at her for something not even her fault. Olivia was hurt deep down to the core. She was finally going to open up, maybe try to repair their broken friendship. _But of course, everything is about Elliot..._"You sonuvabitch, you know what Elliot, its just like you to come in here and make this about you! Don't mind the fact that I've been trying to handle this news on my own! I've had no one Elliot...no one! And things were finally okay. I thought we had something really good. I told you everything. I never was able to do that with anyone. But then you changed! And not for the better, and you expect me to come to you!" Olivia's rant ended in whispered words and tears that she was failing to keep back. "What would make me think that I could come to you Elliot? Would you have even cared?"

Her last question shook him. Everything that Olivia had said was correct. She was alone trying to deal with something serious and here he was making an ass of himself. Olivia had turned her back to Elliot, so Elliot did the only thing he could think of...he walked towards her and grabbed her in his arms and turned her to face him.

"Olivia, I've been an ass, and I've pushed you away, and I sure as hell don't deserve your forgiveness. I don't even deserve your friendship. But don't you dare for a moment think that I don't lo...care for you." Elliot spoke softly to her as he wiped her tears away.

Elliot pulled Olivia back to the couch and sat close to her, one arm draped over her shoulder. He didn't know whether or not it was okay for him to be touching her, because they certainly didn't do that often, but he didn't care. If it was him in that position he would want as much comfort that he could take. Elliot got it right, and he felt Olivia lean into him, tears still going unchecked down her porcelain face.

"Liv, tell me whats going on." It was a statement, not a question.

Olivia looked up and saw the pain, despair, regret, and most of all the guilt, that pooled in his eyes. She took a deep breath before speaking. She had never talked about what was going on aloud with anyone. There was her conversation with Don, but she didn't even tell him the half of it.

"I was tired, so tired...all the time. And I was loosing weight, and not feeling well. So I thought I picked up a bad bug. But it got worse, so I wanted to check it out. They ran some tests, and they didn't come back with good results." Olivia finished hoping he wouldn't push.

_Who the hell am I kidding, its Elliot...of course he is going to push it._"Liv, what were the results?"

"Cancer."

And that one word brought Elliot's world crashing down under him. "What kind, Liv?" Elliot spoke raw pain showing in his voice.

"Pancreatic." Olivia sniffled and looked down, "El, from research and from sources...they say its incurable." Olivia's eyes watered at the statement.

"Liv, honey...you can't think that way. You haven't even heard what the specialist is going to say. You can't give up your hope. You have to have faith." Elliot sat and held her tighter, trying to suppress a sob that desperately wanted to be released. He never thought that he would know what it felt like to be stabbed in the heart, but here it was. Stabbed through and the knife was now twisting. Elliot didn't know how long they sat there in silence, he wanted to talk to her, but as he looked down he saw her fast asleep. He thought about what had just happened...an incurable cancer? That couldn't be the case. Incurable means death. And there was no way he was going to loose her, not today, not tomorrow, and not to any stupid disease.

* * *

Olivia awoke with a start in her bed.

_Wait, bed? How the hell did I get in there?_

Olivia thought back to falling asleep on the couch with Elliot, he must have put her into bed. All these thoughts were soon replaced though with the reason she had woken up. Nausea. Olivia kicked off her covers and ran towards her private bathroom. Olivia fell to her knees just as the first round hit.

Elliot, who had been sitting right out her door after deciding the living room was too far, heard the movement in her bedroom followed by the painful sounds of retching. Elliot knocked and walked in, he walked towards the bathroom and found Olivia hunched over the toilet. He grabbed a washcloth from under the sink, wet it, and held her hair at the top of her head before gently setting it on the back of her neck in attempt to sooth her a bit. He rubbed her back until the vomiting subsided. Olivia looked thankfully at Elliot and tried to move. But she was to exhausted to try to get up.

Elliot, sensing this, gently picked her up and put her back into bed. "You feel better?" He asked and brushed part of her bangs back behind her ear. She nodded.

"Okay, we'll I will be out there," Elliot said pointing out the door, "holler if you need anything."

"Thank you." Olivia whispered gently before letting her eyes close shut. To tired too think about the state her partner had just seen her in.

Elliot sat there, resuming his position on the floor, and thought hard about the events of tonight. Olivia couldn't be as bad off as she said she was. She couldn't have something this big, this serious. Olivia was the one woman Elliot didn't hide himself from. Sure, he pushed her away at times...but he knew that no matter what she would always be there to listen, to support, to guide him through anything. Elliot was going to make sure that Olivia would be okay. He wouldn't make it without her. He would never her tell her this, but he loved her so much that it hurt. Elliot decided that Olivia need a friend, not for him to dump out confessions of love. She needed to worry about her health.

Elliot promised himself to help her through every step of this. He was going to stay strong, for her. He knew he was in for a long ride, just seeing her kneeling on the bathroom floor was enough to shatter him into a million pieces. And that wasn't even the start of it.

Elliot slumped against the wall and willed himself to close his eyes. Tears leaked out the corners as he slowly fell asleep.

* * *

**AN2-** Woah. What an eventful couple of days. You guys did amazing with the reviews. I think I recieved atleast thirty for just one chapter! I know I said the big **twist** in the story would  
be in the next chapter, but that apparently didn't happen. Sorry guys, but I swear, its in the next chapter! Ohh exciting! But..you guys have to review if you want the next part  
of the story. So GO! Hit the button.

Also I'd like to thank the wonderfuly talented **kenzzx2** for all her help with this story. I lost where I was going with this, but with her help the story is back on track. So from here  
on, Mackenzie - I'd like to dedicate this story to you. Thanks so much girl!

**REVIEW. REVIEW. PLEASE & THANK YOU. **


	6. Chapter 6

**AN- **Thank you, thank you for all the reviews. I'd like to thank **kenzzx2** once again. She wrote part of the chapter so I give her so much credit and praise. I hope you guys enjoy it.  
Sorry for all the spelling and grammar mistakes, I take full credit. See chapter one for disclaimer.

* * *

Olivia woke up and immediately regretted it. She knew what awaited on today's schedule. Olivia figured Elliot was still sleeping out in the living room. Olivia went to her bathroom and started to get ready. She took a short shower, dried her hair, and got dressed. By the time she walked back out into her room her stomach was starting to cramp up. She laid down on top of her bed, and before she knew it she fell asleep..

Elliot was outside the hall, and heard her when she awoke for the day. He went to the kitchen thinking that when she came out he would have breakfast and some coffee waiting. Elliot heard her hair drier kick on, and figured that while the eggs were cooking he would go change himself. He'd kept a duffel bag in his car and grabbed it last night, he changed out of his now wrinkly clothes, and went back to the kitchen. Not hearing the hair drier, he finished up breakfast and waited for her to come out. Time went by and still no Olivia. Elliot went down the hall and knocked on the door,

"Liv? Whatcha doing in there?" He called, and received no reply.

He hesitantly opened the door and his heart softened at the sight in front of him. Olivia lay on her side curled into herself. Her hair falling flat against her face, he could tell that she had straightened it previously. He liked it better when it was curly though, it brought out more of her round face. He walked over to her bed and knelt down on the side. He gently shook her shoulder to wake her up.

"Liv, you need to get up now."

Olivia sat up slowly and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. She looked up at Elliot,

"Thanks for getting me up, I was up...I guess I fell asleep."

"Thats okay, you had a rough night..." Elliot drifted off, "Hey, I made some breakfast why don't you eat some before your appointment."

"Elliot?" Olivia called out as he turned to exit the room.

"Yeah Liv?"

"Can you...I mean...today" Olivia stopped searching for a way to phrase her question without making herself sound weak.

"Do you want me to come with you today Liv?" Elliot continued for her and looked into her fear filled eyes. He pulled her up off the bed and into his arms without even thinking of it. Elliot felt her nod against his shoulder. He whispered quiet words to her, "Liv, no matter what happens today, I'll always be here for you okay?"

Olivia felt so safe, and so touched. She had never heard Elliot talk to her like that, she heard the comforting tone is in voice and it brought tears to her eyes. Not wanting to cry, she pulled back and smirked up at him, "Come on Stabler, lets go check out those cooking skills."

* * *

"I'm so glad you decided to come in, Olivia," the doctor said as she walked in the door looking at Olivia's file. She looked up and saw a terrified woman and a pacing man who looked like he wanted to punch a wall. _Lovely, her doctor had told her nothing._

"So, what did Dr. Bridge tell you, exactly, Ms. Benson?"

"She said that I have pancreatic cancer."

Dr. Worth stared blankly at Olivia. "And, that's it? That's all she told you?" Olivia nodded. _Great, now her patient thought she was dying._ "Well, I can tell you that it's not as simple as that. Almost 95% of pancreatic tumors are adenocarcinomas. Those are the ones that people talk about being practically incurable. The kind of tumor you have is one of the other 5%."

"So, it's treatable?" the man with the sour expression said.

"Very much so, actually." He looked like he'd just been told that his dead dog came back to life. Dr. Worth couldn't help but smile.

"You have a gastroenteropancreatic neuroendocrine tumor. More specifically, a Carcinoid tumor." Olivia and the man looked extremely confused, which was understandable. "Basically, it's a completely different kind of cancer than just normal pancreatic. It's grouped with pancreatic cancer because of where it's located. Carcinoid tumors cause more seretonin to be produced. This is the cause of most of your symptoms."

The man's cell phone rang, and he looked at it. "Liv, it's Captain. I'll be right back," he said as he walked out of the room.

"The tumor is malignant, so we will have to take some action." Said Dr. Worth.

"I'm going to have to have chemo, right?"

"Actually, chemotherapy doesn't really do much when it comes to Carcinoid tumors. If anything, it just relieves some symptoms, but chemo comes with a lot of it's own symptoms. The only way to cure this is surgery."

"Surgery? How dangerous is it?"

"Well, it's not foolproof. There is risk of infection, and the placement of the tumor makes it a little more difficult, but I do know of a surgeon that is one of the best in this field. He has done this surgery successfully before, and I don't think it would be a challenge for him."

"I... I don't know."

"The tumor is slow-growing, so you have a little time to think about it. I wouldn't recommend longer than a few months, though. It's already a pretty good-sized tumor."

"How long would I have if I just stuck with chemo?"

The doctor looked at Olivia. She couldn't help but be tense. She hated it when her patients thought they knew better than her. "It's hard to say. It would take a while for the cancer to spread to the bones and bloodstream, but one of the serious symptoms of this type of tumor is congestive heart failure. I'd say that you'd have anywhere from two to twelve years. That's not an anywhere definite guess, though. In my opinion, surgery is the only real option if you want to live a long and healthy life, Ms. Benson."

"Could we at least try the chemo first?"

"We could do that until you decide whether you want to go through with the surgery or not, yes."

"And that will start when?" Olivia questioned.

"Well, we can start you on the 18th, and go from there. You would have twice a week sessions for about a month, and then we will see where your cell count is, and decide if the surgery is the absolute right thing."

Olivia nodded and began to stand, "One more thing... Please don't tell Elliot about the surgery, yet. I don't think I'm ready for him to know."

If there's one thing Dr. Worth hated more than her patients thinking they knew about this better than she did, it was doctor-patient confidentiality. She wasn't even allowed to talk to the loved ones of these unruly patients. She knew it was put in place to protect them, but how is she protecting them if she can't even tell they're families that they don't have to die?

"Okay," she said a little more harshly than she meant to.

Just then, Elliot walked back into the room. "So, what can we do to fight this?"

Olivia looked over at him. He said _we_. For some reason, that made Olivia's heart flutter a little when she knew it shouldn't. It made her feel bad for lying to him, but she had no other choice.

"We're going to try chemo first and see if that is enough." Olivia could feel the doctor's gaze burning into her, and who could blame her? Olivia would be pissed off, too.

Olivia could tell this made Elliot feel a little better. She felt like she was going to be sick. He interpreted this as fear. "It's okay, Liv. I'll be here with you through it all. No matter what."

Now, Dr. Worth felt like she was going to be sick. She didn't know their past. She didn't know all of the emotional baggage that came with these two. All she knew is that this man was supportive and loving. She knew that he would be on the surgery bandwagon right along with her. She also knew this was Olivia's reasoning for keeping him out of the loop, and that just pissed her off.

* * *

Elliot climbed into the car and started the engine. He was so thankful to God that her cancer was curable. Elliot couldn't help it, he reached over and grabbed her hand. She turned her head and looked at him quizzically, surprised to see his face, which now had tears running down them.

"El, whats the matter?" Olivia questioned quickly. _Oh God, this is it...he is going to tell me that he can't help me through this, that its too much._

"I'm just so happy that its not what we thought. Liv, I'm so incredibly happy that you can kick this thing...and that you're letting me stand by your side to help you." He whispered out.

Olivia sat back, shocked. First of all, Elliot Stabler didn't admit his feelings aloud, and secondly he certainly didn't cry. Ever. She looked down at the intertwined hands and smiled at him, tears now traveling unchecked down her face as well. "Thank you El, for all your help."

Things were changing between them. She knew it, he knew it, hell the whole free world knew it. And they couldn't be happier about it. They knew no matter how bad things got between their relationship they wouldn't let anything come between them. Olivia sighed contently and let her head rest against the headrest. They pulled up to her apartment and Elliot turned off the car, just as Olivia was getting out she felt Elliot pull on her wrist.

He turned in his seat and looked her in the eyes, his eyes were so full of emotion Olivia thought she could drown in them, and then...just like that Elliot let out the shock of the century, "Liv," he said, "I'm divorced."

* * *

**AN2- **Hope you guys liked it. Tell me if you want to continue, cause I don't want to write this if no one is reading. So let me know. Also, let me know if you guys want to see something certain in upcoming chapters! I'm open to ideas! Thanks so much in advance guys!

**REVIEW :)!**


	7. Chapter 7

_Sorry for the wait guys. Softball has been controlling my life._

* * *

"Liv, are you going to say something? Anything?" Elliot questioned, he had told her his little secret in the car and she just looked at him and walked out. Elliot saw the hurt flash across her face though, and that told him that he shouldn't have surprised her that way. Olivia climbed tiredly up to her apartment and Elliot closely followed, surprised when Olivia didn't put up a fight when he followed her inside.

"What would you like me to say Elliot?" Olivia was fuming, how long had he kept that from her? Why didn't he tell her, after all they were supposed to be "best friends". Yet, at the same time Olivia was so overly relieved, she needed him. Not just because of the cancer, but because he was the one stable, reliable thing in her life. She knew that no matter what she did he would always be there, they were like an inseparable bond. You simply couldn't have one without the other. But she couldn't tell him that, his marriage just ended, how could she say that she was happy about it. What kind of friend would she be then? The mental war raging inside her was making her feel like shit and she plopped down onto the couch.

After more dreadful minutes of silence she spoke softly to Elliot, who was now sitting next to her, "I want to be sorry for you El, but I can't be," she turned and looked at him, "I think its for the better, and I really hope you don't resent me for saying that."

"I don't, I think its for the better too." He agreed. "Liv, I'm sorry I haven't been there, and I'm so sorry I didn't tell you when it happened. I just...I didn't think you needed to be worrying about my problems too." Olivia opened her mouth to argue but Elliot raised his hand to stop her. "Look Liv, I don't know about you but I feel more than just friendship here. And this whole cancer thing has really opened my eyes to how short life is. And Liv, everyday I spent with Kathy was a day I could have been with you."

He hesitated then began again when she didn't say anything back, "I guess what I'm trying to tell you, is after these eight years with you being friends isn't enough. Liv, I can't ignore it anymore, its driving me crazy!" Just then Olivia leaned in and pressed her lips to his. She couldn't hear him say that he loved her, she had to know that he was telling her because he really felt that way, not just because she was sick.

Olivia pulled away and looked up shyly at him, and she was about to justify her actions when Elliot captured her lips. It wasn't just a little kiss like the one before, this one held years of pent up passion and feelings. Elliot pulled her to sit on top of him and she didn't resist. Elliot felt her wrap her hands around his neck and he held tightly around her waist in turn, trying to get as physically close as possible. He quickly deepened the kiss, threading his fingers through her hair. "Liv.." he bit out painfully and she wiggled on top of his lap.

She pulled away and looked at him, a small smile on her face. He just looked at her, and thought that nothing in the world could compare to how perfect she was. He went to speak, and she knew what he wanted to say. But God-love him, she couldn't hear those words now, not yet. She pressed her fingers to his lips and laid her head on his chest. She felt his hands rub her back soothingly, taking the hint that she wasn't ready to talk just yet. She closed her eyes, and drifted off to the sound of his heart. Knowing that this was finally how things were supposed to be.

* * *

Olivia woke up sometime later in her bed. She looked over at the clock and found that it was almost six. The smell of food was the first to hit her, and for the first time in days...it smelt pretty darn good. Olivia was lying in bed listening to Elliot rustle around in her kitchen and her heart warmed, but then it suddenly sank. She was lying to him about the surgery. She needed to tell him, and now. After everything that he had shared with her this afternoon, he deserved to know the truth. And she needed to tell him why she wasn't quick to choose that particular option. _Maybe I made the wrong choice. _She thought. But sitting in that doctor's office without made her feel alone, and she wasn't thinking clearly. He never said he'd help her through this and she couldn't just assume...so what was the point in going through all the hell? For what? For her to still be alone at the end of the day? No. She was fairly sure that she made the right choice, its not like she had to live for anyone anyway.

Elliot knocked on the door and found Olivia lying in bed awake. She hadn't looked his way when he came in so he figured she was in her own little world. "Liv," he sat on the edge of the bed, and she finally turned to look at him.

"Hm?"

"I made some stuff for dinner, why don't you come out and eat." It was a order, not a question. Elliot knew that she had to keep her strength up. Elliot set the plates out and gave her a big helping of spaghetti before sitting down to eat his own. So far, she hadn't said a word, Elliot took her silence for just being tired after everything they went through today. It had been draining to say the least, there was no bigger bombshell than realizing that Olivia wasn't on her death bed anytime soon.

"El?" Elliot hadn't even noticed that she had taken her plate over to the sink and now stood before him. She reached up and touched his cheek, looking into his eyes which a the gleams of tears in them. Before Elliot could think of anything logical to say he pulled her into his arms.

"You're gonna be okay. Oh, Jesus Liv, you aren't going to leave me." He whispered into the crook of her neck. Olivia stood in his embrace stunned, he was obviously talking about today, neither one had really had time to fully comprehend the news until now. She knew that she had to tell him about what the doctor had said.

"El," she pulled back, "the doctor said there was another option...a sure-fire one." Elliot looked up confused, but nodded. "Surgery. Thats what she said would be the best way to kick this and..."

Whatever else she was going to say was lost when Elliot interrupted, "Wait, so why are they doing chemo. Why wouldn't they want to schedule the surgery? That makes no sens-" Olivia silenced him.

"It's my choice. And I chose to wait on it and see."

"Why the hell would you do that. Liv, if the doctor said thats what you need to do, then thats what you need to do." He argued. He just couldn't understand what she was saying, it made no sense. Why wouldn't she choose the best option to beat this. What the hell was going on in her mind? "Liv?"

"Look, I don't know okay, I just panicked. Surgery isn't foolproof Elliot, and is there really any point in putting myself through all that hell?" She said.

"And you think chemotherapy to keep you alive is going to be a picnic! Olivia, have you lost your damn mind?" He said, his voice raising at the end. "Goddammit," the more he thought about what she had said the more it dawned on him, "Olivia, please. Don't do this." It clicked, she didn't think she was worth it, why do all that...its not like she had anything, or anyone to pull through for. But she was so, so wrong.

"I need you to pull through. I need you to be okay, and thats so utterly and completely selfish, but Olivia I need you with me." He gripped her shoulders, and pulled her to him, "Please, don't be stupid about this Olivia. Call the doctor."

* * *

_sorry for any grammar and spelling errors!  
review please, lets shoot for hitting 80?  
then I will update, and big news coming next._


	8. Chapter 8

Well, I got my 80 reviews, so here is an update. Thanks for all the reviews :).  
**Okay, so this chapter was written a bit differently than the others. A little more angst.  
I've doubled the length, so I think thats saying something. **

***Remember cancer changes the way a person thinks and wants to live their life. **

* * *

_Two Weeks Later..._

Elliot sat on the couch with Olivia's head in his lap. Her eyes had closed a few minutes ago, and her breathing evened out. She look exhausted, and he wished he could do more for her. He strokes her hair out of her face, trying to remember when it had become normal to touch her, or for him to spend so much time together with him. He replays the beginning part of his day out over and over in his mind. It was Olivia's third chemotherapy treatment, and it was pure hell. Olivia and Elliot had went and talked to the doctor weeks ago, and had gotten everything straightened out with the surgery. She was going to go through with it, _thank God, _is what Elliot had thought when she told him.

The only downside to the surgery was that Olivia couldn't be scheduled for at least another three months. Considering her tumor was slow growing she'd have to wait until the next available slot. So in turn for waiting she would have chemo to help relieve her symptoms. As Olivia shifted her head slightly on his lap he couldn't help but remember what had happened a few weeks ago between them. They had shared a kiss, and Elliot had _tried_ to confess his real feelings to her, but she had refused to listen. Leave it to Olivia though to make everything more difficult than what it had to be. He was just waiting for her flight instincts to kick in.

Elliot was brought out of his thoughts when Olivia was up and out of his lap, hurrying towards the bathroom. Elliot bolted up and went to follow her only to have the bathroom door thrown shut in his face. He knew she hated when she had to show him any weakness. "Livia? I'm going to come in."

Elliot had seen her like this before, he always took her to her appointments and always made sure she made it back home before round of nausea hit her. She felt him kneel down beside her, move her hair from her neck and place a cool rag on top of it. She was internally grateful for all that he did, but she never let him that. She'd never needed anyone before. It had always just been her, not even her own mother had wanted to take care of her.

After he was certain she was done, he helped her up, handed her her toothbrush and went to grab her some clothes to change into since he was fairly certain the ones she had one were making her a little warm. He returned to the bathroom with a pair of shorts and a tank top. She nodded thankfully and closed the door behind him. She came out and he helped guide her into bed, she was out before she even hit the pillow. Elliot placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and whispered, " I love you Liv, and pretty soon here, I'm going to prove it to you."

Elliot left Olivia a note by her bedside saying that he ran out to run some errands and that he would be back soon. Elliot found himself in front of his old house. He wanted to talk to Kathy before she heard about Olivia any other way. Elliot knocked and waited for Kathy to answer the door.

"Hey El." She spoke rather questionably, "you do know the kids are at school right?" Elliot nodded, and Kathy stepped back to let him in. She took in his appearance and noticed that he looked a little worse for the wear. "Everything okay Elliot?"

Elliot just nodded, trying to phrase what he wanted to say in his head. "Not sure about that answer El...come on," she lead him into the kitchen, "can I get ya anything?"

"Yeah, coke or something is fine. Thanks Kath." He replied finally speaking.

"Look, not that I mind you dropping by or anything, but can I ask why?" She spoke as she handed him his drink.

"Yeah, I just wanted to talk to you about a couple things..."

* * *

Olivia woke up refreshed, and saw the note Elliot left and couldn't help but feel a bit empty. Olivia felt like she was going crazy. One minute she was fine and the next she felt like she was going to lose it. The more time Olivia spent alone the more she felt insecure about herself. She knew she was going to get better, but at what cost? A surgery that left an ugly amount of scars? Chemotherapy that left her with no hair, no skin complexion, and no body weight? She kissed Elliot weeks ago and was still thinking about how stupid it was. She let herself feel happiness and it wasn't going to last. She dropped down on the bed and picked up the phone. She figured Elliot would be out for a while otherwise he wouldn't have left a note. She decided to give Casey a call.

"Hello." a friendly voice sounded.

"Hey Case, I know its your day off and everything, but I haven't seen ya in awhile, and I could use some girl time." Olivia said trying to sound upbeat.

"Liv, its real good to hear from you, how have you been doing? The guys said you haven't been in much." Casey asked, even though she didn't want to hear real details on the other woman's sickness. Seeing someone as tough as Olivia going through something like this was hard for her to watch.

"I've been fine, thanks for asking..." A beat passed, "So I don't want to intrude but its almost noon, and I haven't eaten anything. How about I stop by with pizza and we can catch up?" She suggested.

"Sounds good Liv, mushrooms please. See ya in about twenty." And with that Casey hung up the phone. Olivia placed a note in the kitchen just in case Elliot came back, and went out the door.

*

Olivia arrived about half an hour later, and knocked on the door. "Sorry, traffic was bad, guess I coulda tried to plan around the lunch hour rush." Olivia said with a slight smile.

Casey pulled her friend into a hug, the pizza forgotten about. After a few seconds Casey pulled back and moved aside to let Olivia in. Olivia set the pizza on the counter and Casey took the opportunity to look at her friend. She looked a bit run down, but that was expected, she looked a little skinner, her skin a bit paler. But the real shock was the eyes. If there was any way to tell Olivia Benson's feelings it was through her eyes. And right now they showed sadness, and as much as Casey hated to say it...insecurity.

Casey got a few plates out and some bottled water and sat with Olivia on the couch. They talked about little things that were going on. How work was for Casey, what Olivia was doing on her leave time. Casey sensed the whole half hour her friend had been there that Olivia had a different motive, other than to make small talk, in coming here.

"Liv, was there something you wanted to talk about?" Casey said broaching the subject carefully. Olivia looked up, and Casey knew she was right.

"Yes...I mean no. I just -" Olivia bit off.

"Well, what one? Yes or no?" Casey smiled.

Olivia sighed in relief, happy that her friend was trying to ease the awkward conversation she knew was approaching. "I just, I wanted someone other than Elliot to talk to yanoo? Not that he isn't an amazing listener, theres just certain things that I can't talk to him about."

"I understand completely, and you know that I'm here for you Liv."

"I know, and thanks." Olivia smiled, "I just feel so down, and I can't shake it."

"What do you mean?" Casey asked, almost shocked that Olivia was actually going to talk about something personal.

"I mean, this whole mess its thrown everything out of whack. Its like I can't keep up. Elliot and I are so complicated right now its a shame."

"Liv, I talked to El the other day and he said you two were doing great?" Casey was confused.

"I know, hes been great. But hes got it wrong. He doesn't want me Casey, the sickness its...its clouding his judgment. What sane person would want to go through if they didn't have to?"

"A person who loves you Livia. You need to stop over thinking everything, and just let him take care of you."

* * *

"Kathy, Olivia is sick. She has cancer."

"Oh my goodness, is she going to be okay? How is she?" Kathy said surprised.

"Shes been okay for the most part. But I really just wanted to warn you that I'm planning on helping her in every way I can with this..."

"Elliot, we are divorced." Kathy chuckled out.

"I know, but when you were with other people after the divorce it still kinda...well you know, stung." He said getting flushed, he felt a little embarrassed. Why would he thin that Kathy would care what he was doing with Olivia?

"I know El, but I've seen the way you are with her. Yeah, it stings a little, but I've come to terms with everything that has happened, and I want the both of you to be happy." Kathy finished.

Elliot was about to respond when his cellphone went off, he looked at the ID and it flashed Casey, "Just a sec, Kath." Kathy nodded and stepped out of the room to give Elliot some privacy.

"Hello." Elliot said into the phone.

"El? It's Case." Casey sounded upset and that immediately put Elliot on edge.

"Whats the matter Casey?" Elliot's heart pounded, his thoughts jumping to Olivia.

"Look, Liv was here...and we were talking. But she got real down on herself, and shes not feeling to good about all thats going on." Elliot listened as Casey filled him in on her and Olivia's conversation. Elliot felt a pang of regret in his chest. He wanted to make this easy on Olivia, not more stressful.

"Okay Casey, I'm heading to her place now. Is she there?"

"I don't know, she rushed out of here about ten minutes. She asked me not to say anything to you, but I thought you should know." Casey finished.

"Okay, thanks Casey. I'll give ya a call later and tell you how shes doing."

*

Elliot showed up at Olivia's apartment and she was nowhere to be found. He tried her cell and it kept going to voice mail. He was starting to get worried. The worry soon turned into anger. She always did this, why couldn't she understand that she is worthy of care too? Why couldn't she just do anything for herself. Olivia did nothing to bring herself any joy. Well he was going to change that no matter what.

Olivia walked in the apartment about an hour later and found Elliot on the couch. She knew he was there, his car was out front. She walked into the living room waiting for him to say something to her, she could see that he was mad, but couldn't figure out why.

"You could have picked up your phone." His tone was harsh.

"I was just driving around, I didn't know I had to report to you all of a sudden." Olivia said defensively.

"Yeah, well you after your little chat with Casey you had us both worried."

_Remind me to kill her, Olivia thought._"I don't need your crap Elliot, I'm going to have a shower, and I'm pretty sure you should be gone when I get out." Olivia's nerves were all wired, she was pissed off at him for thinking that he owned her. She didn't have to tell him shit.

Olivia walked down the hallway, not expecting Elliot to follow her. "Why Olivia? Why is it that anytime someone gets close to you, you push them back away! You don't let yourself live at all you know that?"

Olivia turned around to face him, "shut-up Elliot." Her voice low and menacing. She turned to walk away but Elliot gripped her arm.

"We aren't done." He replied.

"Look, I'm sorry I worried you. It won't happen again," she was too tired to fight.

"Yeah, I'm sure." He replied sarcastically.

"You know what, I don't need the attitude. Maybe you should just leave. You know, I do believe you have your own house." Olivia said.

"Not going to happen honey, and you know it. And for the record, I'm not too happy with your attitude either."

"Whats the big deal. Elliot, I'm sick, not invalid. Last I checked I was still allowed to go out by myself."

"Olivia, I know you. I know whats going on in that head of yours. You can't stand the fact that someone may actually feel something for you. You think that by accepting help your weak." Elliot said to her looking her in the eyes. "This is a bigger problem than you being sick Olivia. You think your unworthy of love, and so your trying to your damnedest not to get it."

"Your nuts." She bit back. _Good comeback Olivia?_"Really? Lets see, when was the last date you had? When was the last time you even talked to a guy you didn't already know? You come home alone Olivia, and you wake up alone. The only way to have someone is to let them be there for you. If thats not setting yourself up for failure I don't know what is..." he rattled off.

"A series of mis fortunate events." Her voice cracked.

"You deny yourself pleasure Olivia." He apparently wasn't done.

"What do you care Elliot." She cried, "What does it matter to you? Huh?"

"This" Elliot said, his voice dangerously low. Then he pushed her up against her hallway wall, slid his hand along the side of her neck, and covered her mouth his.

* * *

**Okay guys. So I realize that its a bit different. But I didn't want the whole story with just her illness, cancer affects more than just physically. Hope you understand.  
Like it? Love it? Hate it? Please let me know..**

**TBC?**


	9. Chapter 9

_Sorry for the long wait guys! If there are any readers left I apologize. Softball controls my life, and its SPRING BREAK 09! So I've been busy._

Any mistakes are mine, and ya'll know the disclaimer. Thanks for the words of encouragment, and for those who helped with the chapter.

NOTE: THIS CHAPTER IS RATED STRONG. I WARNED YA :).

* * *

The shock of it hit her, and all she could was stand there, with her hands flat against his chest. Almost as if she were to push him off, but she remained unmoving. His lips were smooth and warm. He kissed her hungrily, his mouth moving over hers, his tongue moving between her lips – she figured she gasped in surprise when she realized what he was doing. He tasted faintly of coffee and she could feel his stubble of his cheeks against her own. He was leaning on her, pinning her securely to the wall so that she was trapped between him and his muscular form. Olivia became conscious to how big he actually was, how muscular, strong. Heat came off him and she could feel the imprints of his body on hers where they touched. She soon realized that he was hard with want.

Suddenly, slowly his hand began to slide down to the curve of her breast. She could feel the strength of his hand and it left her breathless. Her hands curled into his shirt, still not pushing him away. His mouth came off hers, just a bit, enough to get in a breath of air. She looked up at him and noticed he was looking at her as well. His eyes were heavy lidded, gleaming with an intensity she'd never seen. She wondered what he could see in hers. Disbelief? Could he see that the her world as she knew it was about to change? She needed to stop him, this wasn't supposed to happen. Yes, she'd kissed him before, but out of comfort, not for pleasure. Not for need. This was Elliot, her best friend. Not someone she was involved with.

"Kiss me back Olivia," He challenged, his voice a bit shaky, filled with want. He stoked his tongue along her lower lip, placing a kiss to the corner of her mouth. "Damn it, Olivia. Kiss me." His mouth met hers again. He lifted his head and looked at her as he moved his fingers over her closed top. Her body responding quickly. Her eyes dilated.

"Dilating of the pupils means desire, Olivia. Kiss me back."

Nothing. So, he kissed her again. This time making her weak in the knees and dizzy. Closing her eyes she wrapped her arms around him and let him kiss her, making no move to kiss him back. He moved his kissed from her lips to her neck. The moist pressure of his lips sent a tremor through her body. Then his hand somehow found its way under her shirt. Her heart felt like it would fall out of her chest. It had been so long since she'd been with a man, any man. And now, Elliot was kissing her. His hand tightened on her breast, fitting perfectly into his hand. She wanted more, _needed _more.

"Once more, kiss me, Liv."

She wanted to, oh did she want to. But she couldn't to many things would be jeopardized, she was sick, her life was a mess. She didn't need to drag anybody into this. It would kill him, and she'd caused him enough pain over the years. She couldn't get too close and then have it all spiraling down when the unthinkable happened. She wasn't stupid, even this early in the game she knew there was a chance she wouldn't make it.

"No." Rejection was the best way to answer. Olivia roughly pushed him away. And she didn't miss the flash of hurt that danced across his face.

"Go take your shower, Olivia."

Well this was going to be just perfect.

* * *

Olivia got out of the shower and walked into the living room expecting Elliot to be gone. She was still overwhelmed with what had happened.

"What are you still doing here." She asked him, he was now on the couch.

"Making sure you get your rest." He replied.

"I'm fine, I don't need a babysitter."

"Never said you did." He countered.

A beat passed and an awkwardness that hadn't been there since they were first partners filled the room.

"Look, I'm sorry. I realize that was a mistake, chalk it up to a long couple of days." He said.

She muttered something under her breath and walked into the kitchen, only to return with a glass of water, she sat on the couch by him and leaned her head back. "El, really. You can go home, I'm okay."  
She spoke as if what had happened between them hadn't affected her.

"No way in hell. Come on, bed." He told her. She stood up next to him, "I can tell your beat."

He followed her into her bedroom and allowed him to help her in, seeing as the events of the day had left her exhausted. There was a loaded amount of electricity between them but she didn't want to bring it up. So far for the past few weeks Elliot had been staying with her overnight. She depended on him for far to much, the only good time she slept was when Elliot was holding her. Elliot started to walk away but she reached for him,

"Please?" She asked quietly, gesturing towards the bed. He nodded and climbed in next to her. He laid down next to her, surprised when she curled into him. He thought for sure that she would never talk to him again. He knew why he kissed her, but he kicked himself now for the timing. She was already going through something, she didn't need him adding to it. He looked down and saw that she was sleeping. He wrapped his arms around her, knowing in sleep she wouldn't push him away, and closed his eyes.

*

Elliot woke up sometime in the middle of the night, he looked over and found himself in bed alone. He trained his ear and heard noise coming from the living room. He walked out and found Olivia sitting on the couch, not particularly watching anything, just sitting there.

"Hey," his voice startled her, "Sorry. What are you doing out here?"

"Just thinkin." She responded.

He sat next to her and took the remote, flipped on ESPN. She laughed for the first time in a few days and mumbled, "Your such a guy." They sat in comfortable silence for awhile until he felt a change in her demeanor.

"Whats the matter" Elliot asked looking at her.

"El, I just...I mean I know you said that it was just a long day but...why did you kiss me?"

"Olivia, if you can recall, we have kissed before."

"Yeah, but nothing like that. It was different and you know it. I want to know why, I at least deserve that." Olivia spoke boldly not caring if he thought she was being silly.

"See, the thing is..." He rattled off as he pulled her up off and couch. "Maybe I'm tired of us just being friends."

She just stood there, not wanting to say anything. Her heart was beating wildly, "Your killing me you know." He said

"Too little sleep, or just because I'm a pain?" She asked,

"All of the above, plus – and this being the main reason- I'm crazy about you." Olivia looked down to their now linked hands, and suddenly felt breathless. She hadn't felt like this in so long,

"What are you saying, El?"

"What I'm saying is that I want more, I want to take you out, I want to be the one to help you battle this, I want more. Since I'm being honest let me say this. I want you Olivia, just you, and only you. But theres this problem." He finished

"Whats that?" Timidly she asked.

"You won't even kiss me back," the grip on there hands tightened, and he started to pull away.

She watched him start to move away from her back to the bed, she spoke softly, "We could work on that." A smile graced his face, a smirk hers. He went to lean in to kiss her, warm lips over hers, one hand tangled in her hair, and the other on her back. She closed her eyes and felt his lips press against her begging for entrance, which she was more than willing to give. She felt his tongue slip past her lips, touching the roof of her mouth as he tasted her.

It wasn't a thoughtful joining. Not loving, not tender, but a fierce desire driven by need. His lips claimed hers once again as she wrapped her arms around his neck. His hands pushed up her top and lifted it over her head.

"Yours too." She said and moved her hands to the bottom of his shirt before pulling up. He smirked and with her help they managed to get rid of her shorts, and his pants. His kiss was long, and demanding. And in that moment she didn't think about right or wrong, she didn't think of the doubt that still sat in her mind. She only wanted him. And she wanted him now.

His kissed moved from her lips, to her cheeks, and down to the hollow of her neck. Within herself she ached, and desire rushed through her. She let out a low moan as his hands trailed down her ribs. He was stretched out over her now, his body pressed against hers. She could feel him hard and thick. She moved her own hands now down to the waistband of his shorts. Hers had already been removed, but she couldn't tell you how or when.

He stiffened and swore and his eyes slammed shut. His hands coming to grip her wrists, "Liv," his voice was rough, "You sure you want to do this. I mean I know you're in the middle of fighting this whole cancer thing, and I don't want to make it any harder..." He stopped when he saw her smile, "Let me rephrase...any tougher for you."

She smiled, her was always thinking of her, "Is that what I'm in the middle of? Because I swore I was in bed, in the middle of making love to you. Was I wrong?"

"I'm trying to do the right thing here Liv." He ground out.

"Noted, and for the record you started it." She grinned.

"If this is what you want, this is what your going to get." And with that he let go of her wrists, and laid her flat on her back. He whispered her name and pulled her to him, kissed her hard and thrust into her.

She was almost certain that she died and went to heaven. Surely, nothing would ever be the same again. This moment, there was no sickness, there was no underlaying cause to anything. It was just him and her, as one. Finally.

"I've been waiting to hear that Liv," He said after they were done, his body wrapped around hers softly.

"What?"

"My name and God's all in one sentence." He said

She chuckled, "How can you joke right now?"

"I'm not." He replied mock serious.

"Asshole."

"From God to ass all within ten minutes, low blow there Liv." He nuzzled her neck and she sighed happily. This was what she wanted, sick or not. She knew from this point on he'd always be there, and she wasn't going to start doubting that. At least not now. She turned into his embraced and welcomed sleep.

Let the morning bring what it would.

* * *

_Okay guys, review? Let me know if I should go on, or if the story is losing interest? Thanks. _

_Oh, by the way...somewhere in this chapter I used an idea from a book. So credit goes to that author, anyone think they know which author?_


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